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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29821449">We'll Be Alright</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TundrainAfrica/pseuds/TundrainAfrica'>TundrainAfrica</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Levihan Centric, Love Confessions, Post-Canon Fix-It, Shingeki no Kyojin Chapter 132: Wings of Freedom Spoilers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 20:00:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>19,027</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29821449</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TundrainAfrica/pseuds/TundrainAfrica</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Since the end of the war, being commander had become inarguably a less stressful. With Paradis not constantly under the threat of an attack, a line between work and life started to appear. Negotiations on supplies and feedback on public infrastructures could wait till morning. At night, the to do lists, record books and trackers could be left closed and other thoughts and emotions could be entertained. </p><p>And during those late nights, she chose to think of him"</p><p>Post war, Hange starts to reflect on her feelings for Levi.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Levi Ackerman/Hange Zoë</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>206</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Tumblr Prompts and Oneshots (Tundrainafrica)</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitsutsuki/gifts">mitsutsuki</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Prompt: I've been thinking of possible explanations regarding the hanji shard and I came up with a scenario where that shard takes place after hanji miraculously survived 132 and got reunited with the alliance. what if hanji has this look that of surprise and is close to tears because hanji arrived to see a dying levi and they are holding him in their arms?</p><p>it sounds impossible in canon but it would be nice to see this in fanfic form and I hope you don't mind taking this prompt. thank you in advance!</p><p>Written to "Be Alright" by Lucy Rose</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Death was both warm and cold. Or maybe it just had been like that because of such desperate attempts of her body to make sense of anything.</p><p>When it pulled her out, it came as a slap, then utter chaos. The blasts came in sensations too strong, it took Hange a split second longer to figure out whether they had been piping hot or freezing cold.</p><p>Understanding came as one loud splash from above her.</p><p>And before Hange could even enjoy the wave of comprehension that spurred on that burst of adrenaline, the reason behind the tangy taste in her mouth, the stinging pain in her eyes when she tried to open them, she came across another truth.</p><p>The splash didn’t come from something, it came from <em>someone</em>. Her first instinct was to swim for them, keep them from thrashing and disturbing the peaceful underwater.</p><p>That someone could at least tell her where she was, help her make sense of the chaos. She remembered burning to death, her nerves had been completely destroyed. The scientist in her knew she shouldn't have been able to feel anything.</p><p>But she felt it. She felt everything at once and they spurred her to do something about her inability to breath, to do something about the body thrashing in front of her. If she didn't swim up and stretch her hands out to whatever had fallen into the water above, she might just regret it.</p><p>It could have been the hand of fate or it could have been an utter coincidence.</p><p>But Hange couldn't believe it to have been the latter. As far as she knew, salt water and the dark deep blue only meant one thing ---- ocean. And according to her own research on the outside world, there was a vast expanse of ocean, much wider and much deeper than the mind could even fathom.</p><p>Also, how could she have explained to anyone that her first instinct had been to embrace that someone lashing out at the ocean from next to her. Her cold calculating mind wouldn’t have embraced him, her closed eye and her confoundingly chaotic state wouldn’t have been able to pick him out in the deep. Somehow, when she did put her arms around him, and tightened her grip on his shoulders, she could tell it was him.</p><p>Recognition came in clear memories, memories of another moment that could have been days ago or maybe even years ago.</p><p>Just like when she had saved him by the river, she willed herself to kick up, following the faint light to the surface. Breaking through the surface of the ocean in her confused state had been difficult but the ocean had done its job as well to push her up during her small breaks in between kicks. Pushing her one freehand out, and into the sun had been satisfying. Taking her first breath felt like inhaling the delectable fragrance of ambrosia.</p><p>The sun would soon set. But the beautiful orange from one direction, the light purple and blue gradient from the other had Hange entranced, had her pondering peace for a second longer than she had ever before since she became commander.</p><p>Then with her peaceful surroundings came comprehension. Somehow, she was alive.</p><p>She couldn’t scream just yet nor could she bask at her own ability to have survived when she had already laid down all her cards as dealt. Levi of all people was in her arms then. And Hange quickly thought back to that time in the river, in the forest.</p><p>Back then, along the river, she had continued to swim because there was always land to look back to. As Hange took stock of her surroundings at present, looking left, forward, right then back, she soon realized her circumstances then were far from the ordeal in the forest.</p><p>Swimming in any direction would have been a gamble. But still, Hange did try her best, scrambling for any crumb of a good idea. Her first goal was to get to land, and possibly some shelter, and some help for Levi. The Marley peninsula was her biggest bet, and Hange found herself swimming desperately away from the sun.</p><p>“I’ll go west, the Marleyan peninsula should still be there,” she said, mostly to herself. Besides, who would be listening when her only companions then were an unconscious Levi, the vast expanse of blue and whatever was underneath it.</p><p>She had said it for herself more than anything. Saying it out loud had always meant for her that it was an ultimatum, regardless if it was a bad decision or a good decision, she would take it as her own.</p><p>The worst case would be that she swims forever. If she did find land, she knew she would have to deal with Eldian haters, a wasteland or even the rumbling once again but somehow, she still saw hope there.</p><p>A few times as she swam west, she took a few minutes to peek at the face of an unconscious Levi. She resisted the temptation to feel for a pulse on his neck. Whatever came out of that quick test could either have her scrambling carelessly or have her giving in to the push and pull of the oceans.</p><p><em>One stroke at a time. </em>Hange whispered to herself, gripping harder at her ward’s shoulders. Before she had even noticed it and before her cold calculating brain could pick out such as an infraction, she had moved her hands conveniently closer to his chest.</p><p>The faint heartbeat could have been there or maybe it could have been a trick of her mind, it was enough to have her pushing forward anyway.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It was a gamble, an idiotic move. No one man could continue to swim from the middle of the ocean to the largest peninsula. Hange had lost track of how far she swam after a while. It could have been hours or it could have only been minutes.</p><p>It was enough though for the orange sun to have completely set over the horizon, and for the blue, the prelude to the black night to take over.</p><p><em>How long can I continue going?  </em>“Levi… Can you hear me? Hey…” It was a desperate attempt and most likely futile attempt to get rid of that wave of exhaustion, to grapple for some bursts of energy from somewhere. Levi was unconscious, and to Hange's horror, he was a little heavier on her arms.</p><p>And he was silent.</p><p>“Hey, stay here.” <em>Can you hear me? </em>She had wanted to say it louder. But ironically, even when she was surrounded by water, her throat was completely dry and it had come out raspy, barely louder than a whisper. “Levi, you said ‘dedicate your heart right’?”</p><p>That gave her another excuse to press her hand against his chest. The heartbeat was faint but it was still there. But how long would it stay faint before it fades out altogether?</p><p>“You said ‘dedicate your heart right?’ Wake up!” The diplomat in her would have been laughing at her, possibly admonishing such statements. But her own eloquence, her own ability to string words together and make coherent statements was the last thing on her mind. She had only been self conscious for a second before her other instincts took over. “Levi, come on. I’ll get us to land. I’ll get you some help. Just stay with me a little longer okay?”</p><p>She pressed her heart to his chest and she kept her hand there unmoving, letting the faint heartbeat spur her on. The awkward position that one action had left her in, had made her slower but at the least, it made her strokes against the waves a little more steady.</p><p>“You probably hate me huh? Here I am telling you to stay alive. But back in Odiha, I asked you to let go of me…” The commander in her would have been scolding her. Who would waste their energy talking when her endurance could be the only thing spelling the difference between life and death?</p><p>Silence.</p><p>“Levi, I know you don’t talk a lot, but just say enough to tell me you’re still listening? Maybe a grunt or just call me shitty four eyes. Tell me fighting the colossals was a dumb idea. I’m sure we had better options right? I’m such a shitty commander for not thinking that through…” <em>Shitty commander. </em></p><p>More silence.</p><p>“Hey, I thought you don’t like it when I call myself a shitty commander. You’re not gonna correct me now? I’m a shitty commander. All I do is make bad decisions. Levi, the rumbling it’s all my fault. I hate myself…. Levi, answer me.”</p><p><em>Answer me. </em>Hange’s voice cracked. She looked to his closed eyes, his scarred face. The bandages had probably fallen off, as they were swimming. And it only made it so much easier to see the peace in his face. Hange had always noticed a glint of annoyance in his face when she even just alluded to her own incapabilities as commander.</p><p>“Levi, I really hate myself. I was never meant to be commander. Erwin made a mistake.” She had always felt those words to be the truth. But at that moment, as she stared at the unconscious face of Levi, willing herself to say those words out loud despite the tiredness at having been talking and swimming at the same time, she started to feel it more strongly than she ever did before.</p><p>She had hoped for at least a grunt or even an attempt to speak. Something… The heartbeat was faint, alarmingly weaker than just a few minutes ago. She had gotten used to its rhythm while she swam. Having used it as such a crucial lifeline, she was privy to any slight change.</p><p>She pushed her fist harder into his, an act pushed from instinct and emotion more than anything. A fist on the heart and some pressure could do nothing for a heartbeat that was already slowing down. <em>But when you push harder, you can feel it more strongly right? </em>She willed herself to find reason in it. And as she let her instincts and emotions take over, even in such a dire situation, she screamed.</p><p>“Wake up! Hey! Someone!” Her throat burned. At that moment, her adrenaline had channeled itself to one single scream, so painful she could taste blood in her mouth.</p><p>And for a minute or so, she pondered just giving up as the blood settled on her tongue, the adrenaline having left nothing but its own souvenir, a preponderance of unresolved tensions and exhaustion.</p><p>Then above her, as if the pain of the whole ordeal had been heard all along, help did come.</p><p>It came in the form of a bird much larger than she had ever seen before. If her throat didn’t burn, if her eyes weren’t rimmed with tears, if she had at least an ounce of spare energy left in her, she probably would have let her mouth drop open, she would have widened her one eye and maybe she would have left out a scream.</p><p>
  <em>It’s a flying titan!</em>
</p><p>But there were just things then, a little more pressing and a little more urgent than a flying titan. And even after they had pulled her up and into the back of the bird, that more urgent thought never left, in fact, Hange always found a way to keep her fist pressed into his heart.</p><p>Even long after her hands went numb from exhaustion. Even long after that heartbeat faded into nothing.</p><p> </p><hr/><p>Hange had always known life could be kind, that the world could be merciful with the push and prods from the right people.</p><p>Despite everything looking up though, Hange found herself having to force herself to look up too, to keep her chin up high. She was still the commander after all, she was still their first line of diplomacy.</p><p>It was an odd feeling though.</p><p>There was a newfound hope that bloomed when Ymir undid the rumbling, when somehow, the power of the titans was enough to bring back to life all that had been lost, to rebuild the buildings trampled and breathe life into the vegetation that had been burnt by the steam of the titans. At the same time, the power had been enough to keep in the hearts of both the Marleyans, the Eldians and every other race in the world, the fear of the rumbling, the glimpse of hell as if it had been a bad dream that had been indiscriminately etched in the souls of every single person who had witnessed it.</p><p>It made diplomacy, negotiations all the easier. It made the rebuilding of a new era of peace a little more manageable, as if that had been what Ymir wanted all along.</p><p>Yet, Hange still found despair, she still felt desolation, even when she was surrounded by everything she had dreamt of, and she found herself having to grip tightly to some fledgeling of hope in her work as commander to remain functional. It was in those moments in between paperwork, negotiations of peace and strategy meetings among the leaders of Paradis and interviews, the moments of peace and silence when Hange found herself head down, unable to move.</p><p>Being commander had become inarguably less stressful since the end of the age of titans and the end of the age of war. When Paradis wasn't constantly under the threat of death or an attack, a border between work and life had started to appear. Negotiations on supplies and answers to design questions for public infrastructures could wait till morning. The to do lists, record books and trackers  can be closed and other thoughts and emotions can be entertained at night.</p><p>When she would close her record books for the night, it would be Armin who worked closely with her, telling her to get some rest or to go out for tea.</p><p>For Hange though, tea hadn't been relaxing in a while. Hell, the last time she had relaxed over a cup of tea was a long time ago, when Levi had been the one to make it and serve it to her, before everything went downhill: before Levi left for the forest and before Eren activated the rumbling.</p><p><em>And it’s going to stay that way. </em>Hange thought to herself.</p><p>It was past eight on a Friday. She was done for the week and had a little more free time to herself. She stopped by the little cafe next to the central hospital, ordered a large cup of coffee and a pastry. A measly dinner yet she didn’t have the appetite for anything else.</p><p><em>It’s going to stay this way. </em>Hange repeated to herself as she dropped the paper bag on the side table and settled on the chair by his bedside.</p><p><em>Until you can enjoy a cup of tea with me again. </em>Hange took a loud gulp of her coffee. It burned at her throat and she let out a cough as intended. It had little probability of working but it didn’t hurt to try.</p><p>She had managed her expectations but somehow, she had been a little disappointment to find that Levi hadn’t woken up to the sound of that loud cough or the snort that followed. “How long are you gonna stay asleep?” Hange asked, a little softer that time, keeping her voice at a socially acceptable level for a late night hospital visit.</p><p>As expected, he didn’t reply. But every single time, she was disappointed.</p><p>There were tubes snaking into him. The doctors had explained such a necessity: food, oxygen, medicines. And being a scientist and having done first aid before, she understood the need for all that although her own experience administering medical care in Paradis had been nothing compared to the technological advancements of the outside world.</p><p>When she was looking at the tubes though and traced them all to where they were supposed to go, some straight into skin, others under his pajamas, she couldn’t help but feel a little tempted to pull some out. <em>Maybe he’ll get hungry then he’ll wake up. </em>She had thought to herself like a naughty child in that split second.</p><p>She had enough experience though to know that he would probably just die. She had seen enough people die after all from being unable to keep anything down already. As repulsive of a thought as it had been since they did hook him up to everything, she had to acknowledge that the tubes were probably a crucial part of the arduous process of keeping him alive.</p><p>“Everyone’s asking about you. I’m honestly still surprised we got to get you breathing again,” Hange said. She put her hand over his chest. The bandages made it hard to the touch but Hange knew it was tender underneath. She had been the one who had accidentally broken his ribs that night more than a month ago as they made their way back to Paradis on Falco’s titan.</p><p>As she looked back at it, she started to realize the memory had been reduced to a blur. The only clear crumbs had been Jean pulling her back, Armin’s screams for her to stop, and most vividly her lips on Levi’s.</p><p>His lips and his mouth had tasted of blood and salt then. And when Hange would close her eyes, when she’d pick at her dry lips and draw blood, sometimes she could taste it as vividly as she had tasted it that night. And even the most urgent concerns on an average work day could not distract her from a long excruciating moment of just thinking about him.</p><p>“Hange-san.”</p><p>“Armin.” Hange had been surprised to hear his voice. She didn’t even notice the door close and open behind her. Yet there wasn’t much energy in her anymore to express anything but her own words. “It’s pretty late at night for you to be here.”</p><p>“I just wanted to check on him too. Any updates from the doctors?”</p><p>Hange shook her head. “Same as yesterday, no signs of consciousness. He’s a vegetable.” <em>Vegetable. </em>The doctors who trained in Marley started using such a word to refer to any coma patient with no hope of living. Hange couldn’t help but think vegetables had more life in them than Levi did at that moment.</p><p>“I’m sorry. I should have taken care of him. When he took out Zeke, he just fell and before we could catch him... If you hadn’t been there then… Maybe…”</p><p>Hange shook her head. “No use regretting it. Besides we’re still lucky he’s still alive right? It could have been worse. He could have died. ” <em>Like how I died. </em></p><p>She had been dead. Ymir brought her back to life along with everyone who died in the rumbling. Levi’s injuries weren’t caused by the rumbling and Hange was sure if he decided to stop breathing then and there in front of her, he’d be gone for good.</p><p><em>A cruel twist of irony.</em> When she was at her darkest, her most pessimistic late so late at night, for split seconds at a time, she did wish she had stayed dead. Sometimes, they only way for her to pull back into a state of weak hopefulness or maybe even forced optimism had been to poke and prod at him. In those moments, she could at least pretend the way his hand fell back onto the bed like a limp rag was a sign of life. And it did work. He was still alive after all, there was life in the rise and fall of his chest, in the way his limbs would twitch with each gentle push.</p><p>The anticipation between movements had helped to pass the time. Each twitch and each small movement had been something to look forward to in the middle of the night in between naps. Before she even noticed it, morning came. And she was not expected in the office anytime soon.</p><p>Saturday and Sunday. In those two days, it was just her and him. Maybe a few visitors, but as far as Hange was concerned, as long as she could be there with him, she did not trifle herself with anything else.</p><p>She left to get breakfast that morning, another cup of coffee and another piece of bread. She didn’t take too much care with not spilling anything, the few coffee stains on the white side table and the few bread crumbs on the floor next to his bed would most certainly annoy Levi. She would rather have seen him annoyed, maybe even angry.</p><p><em>Angry is definitely better than vegetative. </em>Soon after, Hange did conclude that anything was better than vegetative. <em>Except dead. </em>Hange added a split second later. At least when he wasn’t dead, she still had something to cling onto.</p><p>First visitors came around noon. Mikasa, Connie, Jean and Armin. With them was a box of pastries and another cup of coffee for her. Although she hadn’t had much of an appetite in a while, Hange never did forget to thank them.</p><p>“Any updates?”</p><p>“The doctor came down to check on him this morning. No change,” Hange said almost automatically. ‘Any updates’ was an incredibly routine question which came with any visitor that she found herself rehearsing saying such painful answers as soon as the doctors gave their own dreary prognoses.</p><p>“We’re going out for dinner later. You wanna join us?”</p><p>Hange shook her head.</p><p>“You just stay here during weekends and we thought…” Jean started.</p><p>“Levi stays here too. All day, everyday,” Hange said. She rattled it off so surely like an inarguable truth and when she did, she realized it might as well have been a truth. Even before the rumbling, it had always been the two of them, inseparable. How could this have been any different?</p><p>Connie was motioning to say something when Armin spoke from behind him. “We’re eating at Niccolo’s restaurant so if you want anything, just say so. My treat.”</p><p><em>You want anything Levi? </em>She asked silently. He usually could tell what she wanted by her eye and the way she bit her lips.</p><p>No reply.</p><p>“Nothing really. Have fun,” Hange said. As they closed the door behind them, Hange found herself having to grip Levi’s limp hand, just to get a semblance of comfort and company. “Do you get bored Levi? Just seeing black all day? I got tired of the white walls a long time ago… They’re boring too. I almost prefer being tired. But I’m sure you’re more bored than I am right?” She paused for a second and studied Levi’s pale features. He looked peaceful. “Or are you dreaming? What are you dreaming of?”</p><p>She was at least prepared for silence as a reply. She gripped his hand a little tighter and rested her head on his chest. His heartbeat was steady. HIs chest, covered with layers of bandages and a pajama top over it was warm and soft. And the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest was comforting.</p><p>And the exhaustion of having spent more than half of the wee hours of morning just pushing and prodding caught up to her and she did start to dream soon after.</p><p>A dream she was aware was a dream and she did start to wonder if it had been his dream too.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Let’s live together here right Levi?”</p><p>“I know you, you wouldn’t be able to stay out of the action.”</p><p>
  <em>So what? </em>
</p><p>Although there had been some understanding that when the sun rises again, they would be once again two soldiers: captain and commander, who dedicated their hearts to the survey corps many years ago. Yet there was a silent agreement, that the night in the forest was theirs, not anyone else’s to share.</p><p>And oddly enough, Hange without a care in the world, in that limbo between commander and fugitive, saw it as a night of reprieve. There in her dream, maybe she could give way for passions, emotions and fantasies.</p><p>The night made certain colors shine, certain glows. The campfire danced in so many directions at once that soon enough Hange did give up on following the movement of each wisp. There were more beautiful things to be entranced by. Like the way the fire created illusions among the shadows.</p><p><em>Or maybe it was the eye that made the illusions. </em>The fire created a light bright enough to open up worlds in the night, contours. Shapes and subtle movements among the trees, reminding Hange that they weren’t alone. Yet the fire had been considerate enough to leave enough empty slates for the eyes to fill themselves.</p><p>In the midst of the haze and the blurs, Hange had to appreciate the fact that Levi was standing, he was moving so freely. Under the bright moonlight, next to the campfire, they danced. They both stepped on the ground, one foot up front, one foot back, to the rhythm of the crackling of the fire.</p><p>Sometime after that, he held her.</p><p>And in that moment, she did believe Levi was alright too, free from injuries, free from the trappings of their war torn reality. And maybe then, he too didn’t have a care in the world.</p><p>
  <em>You’re all right. We’re all right. </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Hange-san, did you have dinner already?”</p><p>“How long was I out?” A wave of panic rushed through Hange as she looked up to see dark blue just outside the window.</p><p>“It’s already seven. I don’t think you’ve eaten the whole day,” Armin said.</p><p>“I should go down to get food,” Hange said. She put her hand to her stomach, as she started to notice the dull ache.</p><p>“We brought food.” Mikasa said. “From Niccolo’s restaurant,”</p><p>Hange stared down at the contents of the paper bag. “Thank you…” The bag was complete, there was bread, rice, vegetables and some meat. It was more than enough, even for a whole day worth of meals. And somehow, that had been enough for a wave of guilt to wash over Hange. “I’m sorry… You having to be the one to take care of me and all. Would you like anything? I could take you four somewhere. Maybe next week, we could go out with Historia and…”</p><p>“We’d like that,” Armin said. “But take all the time you need… You don’t have to force yourself. We understand this is a difficult position to be in. Connie and Jean are really worried too… Levi was the one after all who saved them back when we were battling on the founding titan. It’s hard for all of us but, I can’t imagine how it is for you.”</p><p>“You’re all handling Eren’s death better than I’m handling this…”</p><p>Mikasa shrugged. “Maybe things are easier to accept when they’re done. When there’s no turning back...” she said.</p><p>Hange still saw it though in the way Mikasa looked away and the way her eyes narrowed at the floor and her voice still cracked that just the mention of the name was enough to evoke something inside her.</p><p>If Levi were dead, would it have been easier to keep moving forward? For a second, as she moved away from Levi’s bed side, giving Armin and Mikasa space to say their own greetings, she did consider it. The moment back on the flying titan when she had believed Levi to be dead was a haze.</p><p>She had tried to grasp it for reference, to make sense of how it would have probably felt to have Levi suddenly stop breaking, for his bed to be emptied. For Hange to have to find something else to occupy herself with.</p><p>Everything had been black. Although she willed herself to imagine that ‘what next?’, she couldn’t. She found herself just staring, avoiding the sleeping face on the bed, focusing on Armin and Mikasa who were whispering things to Levi then.</p><p>“Before I leave…”</p><p>“Yes?” Hange asked, an instinctive question being so forcefully pulled out of her thought process then, her attempt to break out of that blackhole.</p><p>“I got you some books. I know it gets boring here so this might help pass the time if you don’t feel like going out yet,” Armin said. He emptied his paper bag on the table next to Levi.</p><p>Hange quickly counted five books. “Thank you,” she said. She fingered the spine of each book, her finger was thicker than each and every single one. Her bookworm self could finish each and every one of them in less than a day.</p><p>“You could read them out to Levi too,” Armin added as if he did understand Hange’s first thought staring at the books. He probably did. “The doctors said sometimes they can hear you.”</p><p>“This might be a good idea. I don’t think I’ve read anything for fun since I became commander,” Hange said. “Levi might like it too.”</p><p>The silence, the hushed voices and the careful footsteps were just outside the hallway and they never left. Yet in the room once again, it was just her and Levi. The blackness and the nothingness that she envisioned when she attempted to imagine Levi’s death was more apparent than ever.</p><p>It looked like Armin though had seen through that. Or maybe it could have all been just coincidence.</p><p>She didn’t have to ponder any of those anymore. The books were by the bedside. All she had to do was open the book to the first page, read the first paragraph and usually the words started to build their own worlds themselves and Hange just had to ride with it.</p><p>Alone in the room, she made a little game for herself. She let the books like front cover down on the table, the spines of the books all facing the wall. She picked the first one by the first few pages, gently turning the first pages until she reached the very first.</p><p>Then she started to read, slowly and steady. She was capable of reading much faster, she was sure of that. At that moment, she opted to take her time, she focused on devouring each word, and walking through each letter and syllable as if she were on a leisurely stroll.</p><p>Of course, she would. She was guiding someone along through it, and the few times she would look up at Levi in between scenes or page breaks, she’d smile.</p><p>“Are you following?”</p><p>She started to realize then, in the silence, fantasies are most easily created.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>Then she gave one last burst of music.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The white Moon heard it, and she forgot the dawn, and lingered on in the sky. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The red rose heard it, and it trembled all over with ecstasy, and opened its petals to the cold morning air. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Echo bore it to her purple cavern in the hills, and woke the sleeping shepherds from their dreams. It floated through the reeds of the river, and they carried its message to the sea.</em>
</p><p>“The nightingale… the nightingale died,” Hange said, for no one in particular to hear. Oddly enough, that short thought had done its duty. It expedited the process of acceptance for Hange who had been a little too invested in the story of the nightingale and the rose.</p><p>There were a few pages left but Hange found herself putting that one book down. The story had done a good job painting pictures of wings and flight in her head. It had illustrated for her so well the climax, the sacrifice of the bird. And it brought her back to her own sacrifice and the stories of Levi’s own sacrifices told by the other cadets.</p><p><em>Is that love? </em>It was supposed to be beautiful. Yet looking back at all of it, bundling all those sacrifices up together in her mind, Hange ended up wrinkling her nose and letting out a small pout.</p><p><em>Is selflessness love?  </em>Hange found herself asking, a little too annoyed at the bird’s actions. “Is dying really such a selfless act?” She thought out loud. Hange got tired of the wooden chair by Levi’s bedside and lay on the cold sterile floor of the hospital room. She held the book outstretched in her arms and opened it to the page with the illustration. There, she looked closely at the nightingale next to the rose and the small spots of blood in between them.</p><p>And in the dim silent room, Hange saw herself in the nightingale.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The next day, she was still annoyed at the nightingale and consequently, seeing herself as the nightingale, she started to look for her own thorns and quickly found it in the grumbling of her stomach and the dirtiness at having fallen asleep on the floor. </p><p>She went on her own mission <strong>not</strong> to emulate that nightingale and Hange found herself standing up, brushing the dust of her shirt and making a short trip to her own apartment for a quick shower and some breakfast.</p><p>For the first time in a while, she ordered a breakfast fit for one whole person.</p><p>There was a lot of discipline which went into those quick changes. Yet pride had also done its part to fuel those actions. When discipline just got a little too tired, pride would pull the extra weight.</p><p>In those six hours, Hange took a shower, invited the cadets for a quick brunch and did some grocery shopping for some quick snacks to get her through the afternoon and late evening in Levi’s room. Jean had accompanied her as they went back to the hospital room, the gentleman in him having offered to carry half the groceries for Hange. He too had his own debt to pay to Levi so it was only natural that he’d visit.</p><p>There was a doctor and a nurse in Levi’s hospital room. She heard the familiar hushed voices right outside the door.</p><p>Hange instantly realized that it was important. The crowded streets and the empty hospital hallways never failed to remind her that it was the weekend, a typical Sunday in particular. Most doctors and nurses should have been off and for them to be in Levi’s hospital room when there were countless other ways to spend a beautiful Sunday afternoon, the root reason should have been important.</p><p>She slowed her pace as she got nearer to the room. For god forbid, if she stepped a little too loudly, too quickly, she might just be interrupting their conversation. Or worse, they might just find her outside. Still, she wanted the conversation raw, free from the sugarcoating most common among doctors.</p><p>“Another close call… Medicine can only do so much... He’s not waking up.”</p><p>“That visitor… She’s with him every night... “</p><p>“Should we tell her… Pull the plug?”</p><p>“We can wait… Another week or so… Who knows? A miracle might just happen.”</p><p>Hange had been a scientist and a researcher for a huge chunk of her life. She didn’t like to rely on miracles.</p><p>“Hange-san, you okay? Why did you stop?”</p><p>Hange quickly turned to Jean. He seemed confused. “Did you hear their conversation?” Hange kept her voice steady, a difficult feat. If she weren’t too shocked by that sudden conversation she overheard, maybe she would have even been proud of her self control at that moment.</p><p>“What about?”</p><p>“Nothing…” Hange said. She grabbed the paper bags Jean had been holding on to. “I’ll take it from here.”</p><p>She burst through the door a little louder, a few notches subtler than just shamelessly announcing her grand entrance. When they haven’t told it to her yet, she managed to convince herself at that moment. it wasn’t important enough, not yet a truth worth entertaining.</p><p>And in the room, she told the doctors of her activities that day, the books by the bedside table.</p><p>In return, they did give some updates. Updates which could all be summarized into two words. <em>No updates. </em>And when they left, Hange had to admit, she had ended up embracing those words a little tighter.</p><p>Weirdly, ‘no updates’ had started to feel like a far flung dream, especially as her mind started to entertain that conversation she had just over heard.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“The little mermaid died… What’s up with these stories? All people do is die? What type of lessons are they trying to teach the readers these days?”</p><p>Silence.</p><p>“Is this really love? I’m not buying it,” Hange said. “Do we have to die to show love? Can’t there be love in trying to live?”</p><p>More silence.</p><p>“Levi, I get it okay. I’m trying to live. The Nightingale and the Rose worked already. I just wish I had someone helping me out…. It’s not easy doing this alone..”</p><p>It was past nine. Hange was due in the office at seven the next day. She looked back at the three remaining books by the bedside table and resisted the urge to look at the covers.</p><p>“I have work tomorrow so I’m gonna have to leave now so I can get a good night’s rest. But I owe you another story another night.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>She had the mermaid and the nightingale spurring her on.</p><p>She had full meals, ong talks and life serving as distractions. As she started to write everything out in a small notebook organized by dates and times, she did realize that maybe self care was worth her time.</p><p><em>Maybe that’s love?  </em>Hange surmised. When the nightingale and the little mermaid had done nothing but to piss Hange off at having wasted her time with such dreary stories she could entertain other ideas of love. Maybe love was keeping those two hours after work for Levi, before she retired to her apartment which was conveniently a ten minute walk from the hospital.</p><p>Hange spent the Monday night and the Tuesday rereading the little mermaid and the first few parts of the nightingale and the rose, all the way until the nightingale’s death, the rest of the time. On Wednesday night, she opened the third book, a little thicker than the first two, yet the spine was still smaller than her largest finger.</p><p>Hange let out a soft sigh and stared back at her pile with only two books left. She could save the thick book for last. But once again, she resisted the urge to check the other two books. Her pride at having created such a small game for herself, still going strong.</p><p>The book was formatted a little differently, not so similar to prose. Yet Hange was feeling adventurous. “This is a little different,” she said.</p><p>Different. <em>And 'different ' might just work. </em>She added silently to herself. </p><p>She cleared her throat. “Act 1…”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Remember that house by the woods, on the outskirts of Wall Rose? The one we used as our scout headquarters for a while?”</p><p>“The one where you interrogated Marleyans?” Armin asked, looking up from his own paperwork.</p><p>“I’m thinking of buying it. I mean… the government owned it but I’m thinking of just buying it for myself. The apartment gets a little too dreary, I want more green on the weekends.” Hange leaned back on her chair and stared at the ceiling above her.</p><p>“It’s farther than the hospital though.” Armin was quick to note. “What about---”</p><p>“I thought about that already. It’s gonna end eventually right? So I thought of covering my bases. Just so I have somewhere to relax when this… is all over.”</p><p>“You’ve always wanted to study the plants… So I think that would make you happy.”</p><p>“Maybe it would,” Hange whispered to herself. She looked to the phone on her table and dialed a few numbers. Historia would know who to contact when it came to properties.</p><p>A few calls later and a few contracts later, the house was almost hers. A matter of just getting money to the right places.</p><p>And it was just a few signed papers away. Had she gone too quickly with it? It gave her an excuse at least to avoid the next Act, and to avoid those remaining pages of the nightingale and the rose.</p><p>It was still a big decision though, something which would compromise her already strict weekend schedule. And in the back of her mind, she did still worry that he might be lonely.</p><p>That weekend, that quick reprieve from paperwork, calls and commander duties, she visited Levi again. That one last permission she’d allow for herself before she got everything signed. If he were awake after all, she was sure he would have joined her.</p><p>“Hey.” Hange approached the bed slowly, flowers in hand. “Remember the cabin, our little survey corps again. I only recently got the time to really walk around there. It’s beautiful. The flowers are really pretty and you know, I feel like it’s pretty organized in its own natural way. You'd like it. Maybe if you decide to wake up, we can check it out together?”</p><p>Hange grabbed the vase and placed the flowers inside. She pushed it a little closer to a sleeping Levi. “Here, I brought some.”</p><p>More silence.</p><p>“Right… I owe you more stories. Sorry I’ve been busy. But we can finish that last book tonight. What’s the name again?”</p><p>Hange flipped through the pages. She only had to look at where she left off to know what it was about in the first place.</p><p>
  <em>And yet I wish but for the thing I have. My bounty is as boundless as the sea...My love as deep; the more I give to thee...The more I have, for both are infinite…"</em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>“What a silly thing Love is. It is not half as useful as Logic, for it does not prove anything, and it is always telling one of things that are not going to happen, and making one believe things that are not true. In fact, it is quite unpractical, and, as in this age to be practical is everything, I shall go back to Philosophy and study Metaphysics.”</em>
</p><p>“Levi… You know…” She stopped herself.</p><p>For the first time in a long while, Hange found herself speechless. Even when she stuttered, even when she found herself scrambling for the right words, she was confident she had enough eloquence to at least grasp for something coherent.</p><p>Even she didn’t know what the right words were. And she was sure she would be struggling for the next few hours as well. Her eyes were getting crusty, they were starting to hurt. Her eight o clock meeting the next morning was looming just a few hours ahead.</p><p>She had spent a fair amount of time devouring words, imagining stage directions and getting a little too invested and consequently frustrated at fictional characters. In want of a resolution to the play on star crossed lovers, she had ended up spending the next hour after that finishing up the Nightingale and the Rose which only served to dampen her already sour mood</p><p>“Did you feel the same way?” Hange asked.</p><p><em>Of course you didn’t, these are fictional characters. </em>Hange answered for him</p><p>“But, it’s not just that. I’m trying to imagine your pain here Levi… Like it hurts to see you like this and those fictional characters… The nightingale, Romeo and Juliet, the little mermaid… I can’t help but think, they were selfish for picking death. I remember I myself picked death then they’re making it hurt all the more and I just go back to then… When you said ‘dedicate your heart,’ when you tried to stop me… Did it hurt?”</p><p><em>I wouldn’t know…. </em>But Hange had the hints.</p><p>Hange buried her face in her hands. “I saw your eyes then… Of course it did. I was the only one left, the last veteran. We’re best friends… And now I can’t help but think… When I chose death, was I being selfish? Should I have tried to live on? Is that what love is? Living on? Because now that I think about it… Death didn’t feel like anything to me but you… you had to fight. You had to move past this, you had to forget this all happened. Maybe I wasn’t doing the most loving thing then when I chose to sacrifice myself. I should have tried harder maybe… to find another plan… But yeah, shit happens. And now I’m alive again but you’re here… Like this.”</p><p>“Just like Romeo and Juliet,” she added wryly.</p><p>“But you know, you’re not a Romeo nor a Juliet. You fought hard and you managed to save Connie and Jean. You managed to kill Zeke. Even after being the last veteran… After losing so much... God, I feel horrible for leaving you.” Her voice cracked. Hange buried her face in her hands, pressing her forehead harder on her palms, hoping it was at least enough to help hold back those tears. “I’m sorry for acting like this. I’m so selfish huh? I die then I leave you then when I come back, I demand you wake up too, right after I left you…”</p><p>Hange took a slow deep breath. “I’m starting to realize, heroic sacrifices and letting one’s self die for love, that’s starting to seem a little too sappy, over the top? Maybe a little too selfish. I mean what’s a heroic sacrifice but to play at someone’s ego, absolve them of all the guilt they feel. What’s dying for love but to avoid the struggle of actually living to be with the person. If love was actually selfless, then maybe the person who loves, would choose to live on because that’s what makes their other half happy right?”</p><p>“You were selfless… Until the end Levi. You lived on. Just like what we promised in the woods. And that’s the reason I love you so much." Hange’s felt a knot at her throat then, the tangy taste in her mouth a little stronger. As if her throat and her tongue still hadn’t gotten used to those words. How many times had Hange repeated more dramatic renditions of confessions over long nights in the hospital?</p><p>
  <em>When or If… One of us dies, the other keeps moving forward. Promise? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Promise. </em>
</p><p>“The invite still stands Levi. We can live together. I bought that nice cabin. On the outskirts of wall Rose… Or at least, what used to be Wall Rose. I took a walk by the forest paths, I reached a glade with beautiful flowers, pansies, carnations and they really were beautiful. I would have liked you to see it." Hange said. "But I get it if you don’t. I mean if it is too difficult to keep living, if your body is giving up on you, you don’t have to anymore. I’ll enjoy the flowers for you. I’ll keep the cabin clean. I won’t do as good of a job as you but I’ll do my best…” She trailed off.</p><p>She closed her one good eye, felt for his hand which was still warm, and brought it up slowly towards his heart which was still beating, still rising and falling and up to his mouth, covered with too many tubes for Hange to have gotten a good look anyway, a reminder that Levi was only breathing through machines.</p><p>“You can let go now. I’ll be alright,” Hange whispered. “To be honest, I won’t be alright very soon but I know you were fighting and I think that’s more than enough motivation for me to keep fighting too, to keep living.</p><p><em>I won’t be like Romeo or Juliet, or the nightingale or the little mermaid. </em>Hange leaned closer, close enough for their lips to touch. “I’ll love you selflessly.”</p><p>His lips were dry and Hange felt every crease even with just that quick peck she gave him. The kiss had felt longer. Many because in that moment, she had grappled with the conflict of where to pull away or press harder.</p><p>They’ve never kissed before. How should she know what worked? The only thing they ever had close enough to a kiss had been the CPR after all. But did that even count?</p><p>It was possibly past two in the morning already but Hange wasn’t staring at the clock. She hastily packed up her bags, stuffing the three books in. Bleary eyed she thought of shipments, strategy meetings and negotiations, stories told through records, planners and trackers. And in the back of her mind, next to that one reminder to schedule the final signing of the contract, she made a mental note as well to schedule a final meeting with the doctors.</p><p>As his closest friend and longtime comrade, she would be making that final decision after all..</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Is love selfish or selfless? Is a loving act of self sacrifice a selfish act?</p><p>Hange found herself still occupied with those questions long after that last meeting with Levi. She felt it as a weight that pushed through her as she fell forward. A few times it smacked the wind right out of her, leaving her coughing or choking for a few seconds.</p><p>Of course it would. Being the one left alive brought with it feelings of shame, guilt and loneliness and it came at the most inopportune times either through a thoughtless comment by either a diplomat about ‘humanity’s strongest soldier,’ or a futile attempt to comfort Hange about how heroic Levi had been.’</p><p>That Saturday afternoon, it was just the two untouched bags in the cabin, one bag of tea leaves a gift from her colleagues while the bag of coffee beans, a gift from the mid-eastern alliance.</p><p>Hange had kept them in the cupboard by the kitchen just in case. <em>Just in case. </em>She had also mentally prepared herself though to just throw it in the waste bin when the time was right. It technically wasn’t wasting food anyway, all they did was make water taste better after all.</p><p>Hange looked out the window adjacent to the kitchen cupboard.</p><p>A few flowery yet thorny bushes grew just outside the cabin. The few birds that stopped by, propping themselves up on the bushes were a dreary reminder to the surprisingly violent story the nightingale and the rose. Even far from where Levi was, even weeks after having first read the book, Hange still saw visions of the blood in the picture, visions of the bird writhing in pain created by her own imagination.</p><p>But Hange was strong. Something her imagination had created itself was not a big threat at all. There were more urgent things to think about, like the negotiations that week with countries neighboring Hizuru. There were meetings with the Marleyan government to send over skilled Eldians for professional training.</p><p>And among all that, there was the decision to pull the plug, a decision Hange never really bothered to put into her own personal planner. She didn’t need to anyway, especially since it never left. It loomed like a grey cloud dimming everything in her path, even the brightest colors in the pastry shop or the most beautiful flowers in the glade by the cabin.</p><p>The decision was slow going and despite her being the one person with the final say, the commander within her nagged at her. He was still their captain. They had to know about it too.</p><p>Hange would have preferred not to. Although she had mentally prepared herself and she was determined to see it through, she still felt like a reed who could easily sway to any argument, and the wind was blowing against her, whispering to her one thing: <em>wait for Levi. </em></p><p>She made the decision to discuss it by Levi’s hospital room the morning after, on a Sunday morning. The time she decided on was when everyone was most free. The venue was decided on out of respect for Levi. In the off chance that he could hear even in his current state. Hange raised her voice then as she recounted the doctor’s words, the volume more reminiscent of a commander than a hospital visitor. And when she did, she did start to realize then and there, even when the prognosis was already made, the final decisions already slated, Hange still continued to hope that the small things did wake him up, like the loudest, most authoritative voice she could muster.</p><p>She went for the most subtle provocations. ‘Humanity’s strongest won’t be waking up anytime soon, maybe at all,’ ‘Of all things, he was done over by a coma,’ ‘But let him rest, even the strongest soldiers need their rest. Personally, I’m not all for the idea that rest has to come like this…”</p><p>Then the most explicit encouragement. ‘Levi can still make a miracle, he’s been making miracles the whole time we knew him right?,’ ‘ But we can’t sit here waiting on our asses forever, you know what the doctors said…’</p><p>Among her closest subordinates in the room then, Connie, Jean, Armin, Mikasa and even Historia, no one questioned that commander-like tirade peppered with her own emotions. After all of that, it had ended with one clear final conclusion, <em>we need an ultimatum, we need to pull the plug. </em></p><p>Connie teared up before nodding, his eyes were maybe as wide and lifeless as when he had given the news on Sasha. Jean and Mikasa had looked away the whole time but from where Hange sat, she could hear the way Jean had gritted his teeth. It could have been a trick of the eye but somehow Hange started to more easily pick out the black and white in Mikasa’s eyes.</p><p>From her angle, Hange could only see the way, Historia gracefully nodded at such an announcement. But when Hange looked closely, she could have sworn she saw shaking lips</p><p>“We respect your decision Hange-san.” Only Armin who spoke up. Yet he didn’t sound at all confident. His voice faltering as if he was struggling with some knot in his throat. His eyes were red rimmed and maybe a little wetter than usual.</p><p>As Hange surveyed the room, she wondered the same things about herself. Were her hands shaking? Were her eyes red rimmed? Were her hands trembling?</p><p>She only had those minute sensations to give a hint to how she probably looked at that moment. She only had their reactions to the news to give her any hints on how she was supposed to react, how she was supposed to feel.</p><p>As quickly as they let those emotions go, they all excused themselves one by one. It had gone by faster than Hange had wanted it to. The books had done their part to scold Hange. And before she knew it, Hange was so easily able to fall back to commander duties, her commander facade even long after everyone had left the room.</p><p>It was a good facade. It made compartmentalizing all the easier. Her heart ached, a dull ache. Her chest was heavy. And despite the disconnect then, she still could not deny it was a dreary day.</p><p>As she reflected as objectively as possible about the happenings of that fine Sunday morning, Hange had to entertain the possibility that she was the most adamant protester to such a decision to pull the plug. She was the pathetic clown, who was seeing hope in the cold hard science.</p><p><em>Some researcher I am. </em>Hange thought to herself then. But still, she clowned on.</p><p>She put one hand on Levi’s forehead and brushed the bangs from his face. <em>Have his deep sleeps always been this peaceful? </em>“You heard that Levi? We’re pulling the plug on Sunday so you have until then to make a miracle okay?”</p><p>Levi stayed silent.</p><p>“You never bungled Erwin’s orders before right? I’m your commander now… so can you try to stay here with me? Can you wake up…” Hange paused, using that brief respite to more comfortably shift her tone. “That’s an order from your commander Levi,” she said. It had been years since she had last willfully used that tone with him. But she was desperate.</p><p>
  <em>From your commander. From your closest friend. From that someone who wants to spend her whole life with you. </em>
</p><p>She added those last parts for herself. Yet they manifested as something hazy and not completely intelligible. How many of those words did she scream in her mind, only letting it out as a silent whimper then. How many of them had she actually said out loud? Would it have made a difference?</p><p>That Sunday morning was the last time she saw Levi. She couldn’t bring herself to go back during that Sunday afternoon, during the week or even during her many free hours during Friday and Saturday.</p><p>A strange decision to make. She thought she would have wanted to spend her last few moments talking to him, telling him to wake up. Oddly enough, that morning almost a week ago was the last time Hange did manage to muster a smile and maybe that had contributed to the odd decision to avoid him altogether.</p><p>The selfless decision would have been to leave him with a smile right?</p><p>The days after that, Hange’s eyes had been swollen, red rimmed, and the bags underneath had been more prominent. And alone in the cabin that Saturday afternoon, almost a week after the decision was made and a day before it was to be executed, Hange was sure she looked worse. There were no meetings to go to, no paperwork to finish and she found herself letting out her emotions in more unpredictable manners.</p><p>For a few minutes that day, she remembered laughing at how she was going to end up having to clean that room long after Levi’s body was taken away. How much had she left in that sterile white room? The two books were still there untouched, she didn’t even know just yet what those two books contained.</p><p>And the gift bags with the pastries? Were they still edible? She should bring them back home.</p><p>Such trivial matters occupied her mind, then left her with more worry and anxiety than necessary yet Hange found herself bursting into laughter at her pathetic self entertaining such prospects.</p><p>A few times, she thought about how Levi would have reacted to little rebellions in the household like crooked dishes, mud by the door, and maybe the soil she had left by the windowsill after changing the pot of the little flower she kept there. Soon after, she found herself cleaning them up anyway.</p><p>“Wouldn’t wanna disappoint Levi,” she told herself then.</p><p>The bursts of laughter had their spotlight. As if the tears had been holding their own internal competition with the laughter, they did enjoy their own loud and unpredictable entrance. A few times, they came out as just silent tears that streamed down Hange’s face, alone in the cabin, pondering why she had made such an effort to clean.</p><p>A few other times, they came accompanied by wails or maybe just a side effect to the pain that burned at her throat.</p><p><em>Tomorrow. </em>Hange would repeat to herself during those few times, as if easing every facet of her being into that one word. She did start to consider how useless of an idea that was though.</p><p>Eventually ‘tomorrow’ would become ‘today.’ Then ‘yesterday,’ then ‘a week ago,’ then ‘a month ago’, then ‘a decade ago’, then ‘a few decades ago.’</p><p><em>A few decades ago.</em> Then Hange decided for herself she didn’t want to picture the next few decades. A part of her hoped she wouldn’t have to live that long.</p><p><em>You have to keep moving forward. </em>A part of her scolded at that quick disregard for self preservation.</p><p>“That’s what selfless love is right? Moving forward? Staying strong? Believing that one day, even when you’re not there, that I’ll be alright?” And clinging on to that idea of love, Hange did muster up a smile. It was still far from curled up. Most people probably wouldn’t have clocked it as genuine.</p><p>Her eyes were still red rimmed, her lips sometimes trembled at the weakest stimulus but Hange could have sworn that the smile was at least a bit genuine.</p><p>
  <em>I’ll be alright Levi.</em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Alone in her daydreams and fantasies, Hange didn’t think too much of it when she first heard it. Knocks on door were routine things after all, the only things she could have considered anything different would probably have been something as memorable or as loud as the explosion of a bomb or maybe something as desired as the sound of Levi’s voice or the rhythm of his footsteps, an unique combination of strong and strictly paced.</p><p>“Hange-san!” Armin’s knocks evolved into something louder. The person outside the door was smacking at the door. “Hange-san, let’s go back to the hospital now!”</p><p>“Back to the hospital…” Hange said, softly. At that exact moment, her heart missed a beat. <em>Was she ready for that now? Can it wait? Can it wait until the next day?</em></p><p>“Hey, Hange-san. Open the door. You won’t believe this…” It was Jean’s voice this time.</p><p><em>I’ve accepted it already. I’ll believe it. </em>Hange told herself. She gripped her fist a little later. “Can’t it wait?”</p><p>The commander had the power to make almost anyone or anything wait. Her job as someone who managed, supervised, approved and veto-ed decisions was to compartmentalize things, decide for herself when and where she should deal with things and most importantly, if it could wait.</p><p>“It’s Captain Levi!”</p><p><em>Levi</em>. But it was Levi . Despite their positions, Levi had surprisingly held more power than anyone else. He didn’t need to order it but before Hange knew it, she had spent enough waking hours by his bedside, she had wasted enough of her energy refusing meals, reading and rereading books and avoiding the trappings of sleep altogether.</p><p>And of course, his name had been the magic word. The one who got her pushing herself up off the table. She soon found out her trembling hands still had enough power to help push her off the table yet enough inhibition able not to make the whole table topple over.</p><p><em>I’ll be selfless for you. I’ll hurt for you. </em>It was slow going, a few times leading up to that day she did fall back to her selfish ways, crying, demanding, begging him to come back. As the one closest to him, she had a responsibility towards him, towards his remains, towards the future without him.</p><p>And she let herself go one step at a time towards the door, channeling her emotions to records, trackers and paperwork once again, using that as some sort of catch basin for whatever small triggers could have her crying or possibly wailing at the prospect of what to do with Levi, how to go about life without him.</p><p>“Hange-san, he’s awake! Levi’s awake!”</p><p>It had taken Hange a split second longer to process that, her mind and body having already made the preparations to mourn and grieve in as healthy of a way as possible. She only realized the meaning, the implications of the statement a few seconds after she opened the door to see Armin, his face flushed in what could have been excitement, his eyes wide and his breaths coming in heaves at having screamed at the door.</p><p>“He’s awake? Levi’s awake?” Hange quickly turned to Jean, just in case Armin had been smiling about something else. Or maybe it was her own mind playing tricks on her.</p><p>“It was the nurse who found him awake just this morning. They tried calling you but you weren’t at the office,” Jean said. “Connie, Mikasa and the queen, they’re keeping him company now…And we got here as fast as we could.”</p><p>“What are we waiting for? Let’s go.”</p><p>Hange didn’t hear the words after that. She grabbed for her jacket and bolted out of her cabin, through the forest paths that led up to the main street.</p><p>The main street that led up to the center of town was almost a kilometer away from her cabin. It was a busy road, sometimes cars passed by, sometimes horses. Hange would usually take her own horse back to her little cabin in the woods. The forest paths still weren’t big enough for a car to comfortably pass through and Hange preferred it that way.</p><p><em>But a horse would be too slow.</em> She decided then. <em>The faster the better. I’ll get a taxi if I have to.</em></p><p>“You don’t have to get a taxi. We told you, we got here as fast as we could.” Armin said. “We called a taxi already.”</p><p>They made their way to the main road, boarded the taxi already waiting by the side. It was the fastest way Hange could have foreseen. Yet somehow, she still found it a little too slow.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Armin had prepared her already for it. Or maybe she had one the work herself asking question after question the slow car ride on the way to the central hospital.</p><p>“How is he?”</p><p>“Not too good. But still better than yesterday”</p><p>“Did he ask any questions?”</p><p>“He can barely talk.”</p><p>“Is he eating?”</p><p>“The doctors said he might not be ready for solid food yet.”</p><p>Yet when Hange saw him on the bed, she had been terribly disappointed to find him there on the bed, as if she had never heard the good news in the first place.</p><p>The only sign that he had been awake was the apparent decrease in the amount of tubes hanging from his body and around his head and Mikasa looking back at her, saying the words so softly ‘he fell asleep again.’</p><p>“Thank you for keeping him company,” Hange said. The words she said at least distracted her enough from her disappointment and it gave her at least a good stepping stone to plan out her next steps given her current circumstances. She walked up to Levi’s bed and grabbed his one good hand, wrapping her own hand around his. “I’ll wait for you to wake up again. Take your time, I’ll be here.”</p><p>Hange was fortunate at least the next day was Sunday. No need to force her life together just yet. No paperwork, no obligations, no meetings nor tasks looming. It was just her and the bright lamp illuminating its little corner of the hospital room.</p><p>A boring view for most. But Hange wasn’t most people. Once again, she found some way to entertain herself tracing his fingers, his arms, his chest all the way until the contour of his face. For a while as she did reach his face, she had kept her hand only hovering a few inches above him.</p><p>As she started to see the slight color of his cheeks under the dim light, the slightly more subtle bags under his eyes and the worry lines under his face, she ended up cupping his cheek on her hand, letting out a soft sigh of relief. “I wish I could say ‘I knew you’d pull through,’ but to be honest, I was bracing myself for disappointment.”</p><p>She felt the weight on her hand only get heavier. As she looked closely at the source, she found Levi had moved his head towards her, pressing it further into her palm. “Can you hear me Levi? Are you awake?” Hange asked. It was a challenge to keep her voice a soft hush then and she found herself hoping she had been successful.</p><p>“Yeah, I hear you.” His voice came out as a croak. Yet she felt the soft breathing on her palm, the way it shifted as he said those words.</p><p>“Levi…” Her heart clenched, she felt something, a warm wave rushing over her, it grabbed at her, it embraced her. It pushed her forward onto the bed, pressing her face into his chest. And she heard that heartbeat and somehow it found a way to send a slight tickle at her neck with every beat.</p><p>Before she knew it, his hospital gown was soaked. Any other day, she probably would have pulled away, or probably Levi would have pulled her out himself, maybe admonished her with a little too many nasty words, yet then, he didn’t say much of anything else.</p><p>Hange could have sworn he had been asleep.</p><p>If she hadn’t felt the warm hand on her back that climbed up all the way until the back of her neck.</p><p>If she hadn’t felt that weak caress, shifting up then down, too few times before falling limp on her shoulder.</p><p>He fell asleep again, long before she did. But even then, when Hange sat up again, brushed his bangs from his forehead, when she took stock of his slow deep breaths as he slept, she did start to notice the life in them, almost absent the countless other times she had visited before.</p><p>And as she pushed his hand a little towards her, as she leaned forward, head down on the open space on his bed. She had to admit, she was starting to feel a lot less alone.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“Hange…” The first time Levi said her name, she hadn’t been awake enough to hear it.</p><p><em>Say my name again? </em>For a second, Hange considered asking for such an outrageous request from Levi. But as she saw the way his eyes still fluttered as if still unused to the bright light streaming through his bedroom window, the way he turned away from the bright light and looked towards the door and the side table, Hange did start to realize, that one petty request would probably have caused him more discomforts than necessary.</p><p>“I’ll close the curtains,” Hange stood up and made her way towards the side of the room. As soon as the curtains were closed, and the light streaming into the room completely dealt with, Hange had to notice that it did its job. In the dark, Levi seemed more alert, more eager to explore.</p><p>“You need water? I know you can’t have solid food just yet but the doctors said we could get you soup, some stew?” Hange asked, as she made her way back next to his bed.</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“I’ll get you a glass of water. Maybe your throat’s just dry.”</p><p>Levi didn’t reply.</p><p>Yet Hange at least found some sort of answer in his gaze. “I’ll take that as a yes,” Hange said.</p><p>Hange entered the room again with a large cup of water filled to the brim and pressed the rim to his mouth.</p><p>After a few weak gulps, Levi spoke up again. “Sorry, it still hurts... to talk.”</p><p>“You don’t have to talk yet. We’ve known each other for more than a decade. Sometimes, I can tell you what you want just by the looks you give me.” Hange said. “And maybe you’re able to do the same.”</p><p>As usual and as expected, Levi didn’t say anything. But there was more than enough of a difference from before. Then, he was still listening, his blue eyes staring straight at her. His lips curled up into a smile and his gaze softened as she stared into him and that had gotten Hange thinking.</p><p>“Are you happy to see me?” Hange asked.</p><p>Levi managed a small nod.</p><p>“I only realized now, the last time you were this conscious, I was… dead. And the last time we talked…” Hange shook her head. “Anyway, I’m sorry about that. I’ll keep living and I’ll always be here. That means I won’t leave you… And if you don’t leave me too, if you keep moving forward too, if you keep living… Then that means we’ll be together right? Together for a very long time. And you’d be okay with that right?”</p><p>Levi didn’t reply with gazes or words then. His expression unchanging, unmoving. Instead Hange felt on her hands a weak grip, yet it trembled as it tightened only reminding Hange how much of a feat it could have been for him.</p><p>And he didn't let go. It could have been minutes or even hours until he closed his eyes and his breaths evened out and even after that, although the grip was much weaker, his hand stayed on top of hers.</p><p>"I'll take that as another yes?" Hange asked softly.</p><p>He didn't answer.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Recovering from what had been more than a month in bed was slow going. It came slowly yet in noticeable bouts the doctors called breakthroughs or sometimes, milestones.</p><p>Hange wasn't there for them though. Paperwork and Meeting attendances weren't things she could easily shirk even when her heart was practically begging her to stay by his bedside so she could experience them for herself.</p><p>One to two hours a day was all she could give then. A few times she had considered staying over at the hospital but eventually realized as he brain thought up scenarios and got a little too excited for her own good that if she allowed herself that luxury, she probably would never leave.</p><p>Even just watching Levi sleep had become more interesting than paperwork. There was something comforting about being in a room with Levi then, knowing he would wake up within a few hours and maybe he would let out a little greeting.</p><p>The first time he sat up, she hadn't been there. The nurses had been the ones who told her about it. The signs of progress for her came in the in betweens.</p><p>That one day she visited, she just found him clumsily picking at his dinner of a small bowl of gruel, propped up by a few pillows.</p><p>"Nice to see you awake," Hange commented in greeting, dropping her briefcase on the side table.</p><p>"I'm awake for most of the day now already," Levi said, keeping his eyes fixed on the bowl in front of him.</p><p>"Does it get boring?"</p><p>Levi dropped the small spoon on the bowl with a clatter. "A little bit."</p><p>"I wish I could stay longer. Maybe I could at least cure some of your boredom."</p><p>“You’ll get bored here too. Besides, I’ve worked with you, I know how busy being commander can be.”</p><p>“No, you don’t get it. I wanna be here with you. I haven’t even gotten bored yet just staring.”</p><p>“You were here a lot while I was asleep.”</p><p>Hange straightened up a bit as her shoulders tensed up. “You remember some of it?”</p><p>“The nurses told me,” Levi answered.</p><p>“Ah, yeah. They get pretty talkative when there isn’t too much going on,” Hange said. She felt the relief in her sigh and in the way her shoulders so naturally yet so quickly dropped at the answer. Yet somehow, there was disappointment mixed into that.</p><p><em>Sometimes, they can hear you while they’re asleep. </em>Armin had said those words when he had dropped off a few books for her to read through that day.</p><p><em>Would you have wanted him to hear the ‘I love you?’ </em>Hange consoled herself as she looked at Levi who seemed too focused on making sure the contents of his meal was thoroughly mixed. <em>Yeah, that would have been embarrassing if he heard it. </em>Hange added to herself. Yet something in her continued to fight. “Hey Levi,” she spoke up.</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“You were asleep for a month right? Did you get bored? Or… did you dream a lot? Did it really feel like you were asleep for months?”</p><p>Levi only hummed in return as he continued to play with food in front of him.</p><p>Hange only noticed it then, in the way his hand trembled as he tried to lift the spoon that he had been using his left hand since a while ago. His right hand wouldn’t have been much help with a few of his fingers missing.</p><p>“You need help?”</p><p>Levi dropped the spoon on the plate and leaned back on the bed. “You fed me back in the forest. It won’t make much of a difference now,” he said. He was avoiding her gaze though and Hange was starting to suspect that he wasn’t completely comfortable with the idea of her helping him.</p><p>“Hey, recovery takes time,” Hange said as grabbed the bowl and stirred the spoon slowly a few times. The gruel was watery and the spoon moved a little too freely, only making Hange guess that either he had spent a little too much time with the bowl or it had been done on purpose to make it easier for him to eat.</p><p>“I had a month to recover,” Levi said. The frustration was more apparent in his tone.</p><p>“Yeah, but you survived an explosion, fighting with internal injuries, getting your leg almost bitten off and almost drowning.” Hange let out a wry chuckle. “I think you’ve already subverted enough expectations of being alive now.”</p><p>It could have been Hange’s last few words or it could have been hunger. Something inside Levi though got him turning back to her and opening his mouth a little wider as Hange pushed the bowl closer to him.</p><p>They spent the next few moments in utter silence, the only sounds that decorated the room where the clatter of the spoon on the bowl and the few times Levi let out a cough. Swallowing was still too much of a task for him at times and Hange found herself mixing the liquid a little more every time, an attempt on her end to make it as easy as possible for him.</p><p>Whether it had worked or not, Hange never did find out. Levi was silent and uncomplaining the whole time after all. And along the way, he had started making eye contact with her, as if he had started to accept his fate, stuck on the bed and being fed by her for the next week or so.</p><p>“You finished everything at least,” Hange said. She would have wanted to phrase it as words of encouragement or even praise. Would humanity’s strongest soldier though want praise though for accomplishing such a feat even the average child would have been able to do?”</p><p>“I honestly hate it. I wanna be able to take care of myself,” Levi said. His features softened. “But you know, back then in the plane when we left Odiha, I would have given the world to experience something like this again.”</p><p>“So you are happy to see me.”</p><p>That time, Levi answered with one nod much larger and much more certain that what he had given that Sunday morning. “Yes I am,” he said.</p><p>Hange smiled, so wide it made her jaw ache. “I’m happy to see you too. Really happy.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>How much do you remember?</p><p>That question was set aside for a few days. Levi was still economical with his words and with his energy and most days, it had been Hange doing all the talking and with the constant developments that came with peaceful negotiations and rebuilding, there was always something to talk about. There was always something Levi had to know.</p><p>She had intended to ask the question again, another time when Levi wasn’t falling asleep so soon after an hour of sitting up, when Levi was at least strong enough to manage more than a few sentences. With the business of her daily life and the constant problems and questions that needed to be solved, that one question ended up stored somewhere in the back of her mind eventually, far from a comfortable reach.</p><p>She didn’t have to ask the question again though. Levi volunteered the information himself. “Did you kiss me while I was asleep?”</p><p>Hange was unfortunate enough to have been drinking water the moment he said it. The cold water found a way to burn at her throat at such an outrageous statement that she almost choked. “What?” The choking sensation met a painful death as it devolved into coughs. And soon after, when her mind did make enough space to process such a prospect, she started to remember, she did kiss him. <em>But did she have to admit it? </em>“Why do you ask?”</p><p>There was a black square propped beside him on the bed, partially covered by the blankets and it had been almost unnoticeable. Hange only noticed it as Levi slowly pulled it out from underneath. “I was reading this book and I think it helped me remember something…”</p><p>And she was quick to recognize it. “Ah yeah, I was reading you books. I thought you’d get bored.”</p><p>“Yeah, they were in the drawer on the side table, the nurses showed them to me the other day,” Levi explained. “They helped to pass the time at least.” He glanced to the side table and Hange only had to follow his gaze to notice the other book face down on the table.</p><p>“Oh, those books! Armin gave me five actually. The other three… They’re home with me. You want me to bring them over?” Hange asked, an attempt to get him to stray from that awkward question of a while ago.</p><p>Levi shook his head. “I think I want to go through these two a few more times. I’m curious though, so you read these out loud to me while I was asleep?”</p><p>Hange nodded slowly. “Yes, I did.”</p><p>Levi turned the book around, cover facing up. “So you must have read me this one.” He looked back at the window. “Sorry, that was a stupid question. Maybe I was just dreaming. When I read that scene, I just thought of you…<em> kissing me of all things.” </em>Levi said those last words as if they were venom in his mouth he was desperate to spit out.</p><p>Hange grabbed the book from him and read out loud the gold emblazoned words on the cover. The title was only four syllables long but halfway through reading it, Hange choked, a side effect of the surprise and the awkwardness of the whole situation. “Oh? Did the book have a kiss?”</p><p>Levi nodded, still not meeting her gaze.</p><p>“I haven’t read that book yet,” Hange admitted. “But I’ve been meaning to read more books to you, it’s just that every single one of them was a heavy read. They were all horrible endings. And when I thought you wouldn’t make it…I wanted to focus my time elsewhere, maybe something happier.”</p><p>“Did you read those last two books though? The ones you left here next to my bed.”</p><p>Hange shook her head. “No… Why?"</p><p>"If you have the time, could you read them to me?"</p><p>"You didn't even want me feeding you and now you want me to read to you?" Hange raised one eyebrow in mock confusion.</p><p>"I wanna hear you tell stories again," Levi said. "This time, I'm all ears."</p><p>Hange shrugged. "While there isn't much of anything else to do. I guess this is a good idea." She opened the book to the first page and cleared her throat.</p><p>"Sleeping Beauty.” Hange turned the page again and licked her lips, readying herself for a good performance. “Once upon a time.. "</p><p>A few times as she spoke, she looked up at Levi. The latter was lying on his side, his eyes fixed on her. Even as she looked back at her book, she could see from her peripherals that he never looked away. Or maybe it could have been the fact, lying on his side it wouldn’t have been so easy to look away.</p><p>Hange did not catch the exact time he fell asleep though. The story continued from the kiss to the adventures of Briar Rose so seamlessly that Hänge didn't notice his breathing even out next to her.</p><p>When it was all over, when the prince and Briar Rose had married though, even before Hange looked up at Levi to find him asleep, she quickly turned the pages back to that scene.</p><p>
  <em>And there she lay, fast asleep on a couch by the window. She looked so beautiful that he could not take his eyes off her.</em>
</p><p>“This one? Is this the one you dreamt about?” She asked.</p><p>All she ended up getting in reply were some uneven breaths.</p><p>"Levi?" Hange whispered as she bent over next to him on the bed. "You look so peaceful when you sleep. Just like briar rose." Hange said that last part with a too sing songy of a voice. Most days it would have passed Levi off.</p><p>
  <em>So he stooped down and gave her a kiss.</em>
</p><p>The book had done its job to give Hange a new burst of energy. As she silently observed his face as he slept, she felt something well up inside her. Love? Was that the same thing the prince felt when he bent down and kissed Briar Rose?</p><p>Regardless if it was or it wasn’t, that had been more than enough. Levi was close enough that the scent of alcohol and soap almost tickled her nose. He smelled like a baby and his skin was clear, his eye lashes were so long. And everything at once had Hange pushing her head much closer, close enough to give him a light peck on the cheek.</p><p><em>Fine. </em>"I kissed you. And I liked it. I really did."</p><p>At that exact moment, Levi opened his eyes. His sleepy face quickly morphed into something playful. No, not playful--- sly, mocking. "You can always kiss me again."</p><p>“Were you pretending to sleep?”</p><p>Hange didn’t kiss him again that night.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“And Romeo and Juliet killed themselves because they couldn’t end up together.” Levi’s tone was more matter-of-fact than anything as if he had expected such an ending from the story.</p><p>“It was…” Stupid? Idiotic? Somehow, just coming out of multiple peace negotiation meetings had Hange hesitating to say anything too condescending, even if it was to book characters, even if it was just both of them in the room.</p><p>“Stupid? Idiotic?” Levi though knew exactly what she wanted to say.</p><p>“And Selfish? Don’t you think if Juliet or Romeo chose to live on… To keep moving forward, maybe things could have been different?”</p><p>“This is a book Hange, there’s only ever been one ending,” Levi said as he took the book from her and opened to one of the last scenes towards the end. “But you take what you need, you reflect on it. Same with the nightingale and the rose and the little mermaid,” Levi added. He had memorized the names of the titles much faster than Hange and he had been surprisingly knowledgeable about the story already, only convincing Hange that he had probably heard some of it while asleep.</p><p>“Do you think love is supposed to be like that?” She asked.</p><p>Levi hummed. “If I loved someone and I lost them, I’d stay alive, I’d keep moving forward. I’ll take what I’ve learned from them close to my heart and I’ll keep their memory alive in my own little way.”</p><p><em>If? </em>Levi had lost more than enough people to last a lifetime. That wasn’t a question of ‘if.’</p><p>“Remember in the woods? We had that conversation. If any one of us dies, the other keeps moving forward. We keep living on.”</p><p>As Hange looked back at it, she realized it wasn’t too far off of a possibility to actually believe Levi kept his promise. Connie and Jean had confirmed that themselves, Levi participated in the final battle. Levi fought valiantly. Levi saved lives. “I guess, I’m the one who didn’t keep my end of the promise. When you came back here, I was stuck by your bedside and for a while, my heart wasn’t in rebuilding Paradis,” Hange said sheepishly.</p><p>“And I wouldn’t have wanted you to fuck your life over just because I was gone.”</p><p>“I learned from that. Maybe it took a few books for me to realize it but… There is selfishness in being a little too self sacrificing.”</p><p>“And there’s selflessness in taking care of yourself and in choosing to live on,” Levi said. “You know, there’s something I remembered from back when you pulled me out of the water. That was probably just a few seconds or so… But I remembered it clearly.” Levi looked up at the ceiling as he spoke.</p><p>“Go on…” Hange said. From her angle, Hange could see the far look in Levi’s eyes as he spoke.</p><p>“Your eyepatch was loose. You were soaking wet and you were panicking. You were pushing at my chest, you were pressing your lips to mine…” Levi’s hands flew to his ribs, where the bandages were still taut and restricting. “And it fucking hurt,” he added. “But I saw Armin there and Jean. They pulled you back. I remember you screaming and crying. Even when it was so fucking painful then, even when I was so tired, I decided for myself then that I wanted to live. That I can still keep moving forward.”</p><p>“Then why did you wait so long to wake up?”</p><p>Levi shrugged at that. “I don’t remember much of it. It could have been hours, days or even months until I woke up but I couldn’t really tell honestly. Everything after that one memory was a haze… But you know, now that I’m awake, I’m happy you waited for me. I’m happy you were at least selfish for once.”</p><p>“Yeah, I was selfish enough to buy a cottage just by the borders of Wall Rose. The one we used as a hideout.”</p><p>“That’s nice. At least you have your secluded cabin now. I know you’ve always wanted to live in the forest and just study plants.”</p><p>“But it’s gonna be lonely,” Hange said, easing herself into the discussion slowly.</p><p>“Aren’t plants and test subjects good enough company for you?” Levi smiled as he said it, a sly smile and Hange was almost sure he was teasing her, dangling a carrot in front of her.</p><p>And Hange bit into it so eagerly. “The offer still stands, if you want to live there with me?”</p><p>Levi’s lips curled up into a smile. “I was hoping you’d ask that again.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>He escaped with his life, but the thorns into which he fell poked out his eyes. Blind, he wandered about in the forest, eating nothing but grass and roots, and doing nothing but weeping and wailing over the loss of his beloved wife. Thus he wandered about miserably for some years, finally happening into the wilderness…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He heard a voice and thought it was familiar. He advanced toward it, and as he approached, Rapunzel recognized him, and crying, threw her arms around his neck. Two of her tears fell into his eyes, and they became clear once again, and he could see as well as before. He led her into his kingdom, where he was received with joy, and for a long time they lived happily and satisfied.</em>
</p><p>“I like this book,” Levi said. “At least here, they aren’t complete idiots.”</p><p>“Don’t you find it at least a little admirable that the little mermaid, the nightingale and Romeo and Juliet thought death was much better than being apart from each other? Self sacrifice can be admirable at times right?” Hange had decided for herself long back that it wasn’t as admirable. At that moment though, having brought some of her paperwork to the hospital room and having worked on it for hours already, she was starting to feel in the mood for a little debate.</p><p>“Self-sacrifice isn’t love,” Levi answered. “Or I don’t believe it is. When you died Hange, did you feel anything?”</p><p>“After burning alive?” Hange said. “No, to be honest.”</p><p>“Guilt, hopelessness, loss and grief are those felt by people who survive.” As he said those words, Levi’s eyes narrowed, the lines under his eyes became a little prominent. “I still remember everything after you died very clearly. And tell me Hange… you remember a lot of what happened this past month? You felt all of it right?”</p><p><em>Of course Levi of all people would understand it so well, how many of the people he loved did he end up outliving? </em>Hange paused for a second before willing herself to articulate her answer. She didn’t have to try too hard though. She had months to figure it out for herself. “Yeah, I did.”</p><p>“But I didn't remember much of it. I was in and out of consciousness this past month and even if I did die, I don't think I would have felt anything more than haziness, especially if I had just given up long before. Living is much harder."</p><p>"Yeah, I figured it out a while back already. But why does it feel so loving, to keep giving? Even when we see it as an outsider, why is self sacrifice portrayed as something loving?"</p><p>"Ego maybe?" Levi suggested. "Love is both selfish and selfless and I think loving is finding that good in between, between giving and taking. Right now, I'm taking a lot from you probably but I can't help but think, maybe this is the more selfless thing to do. If I don't take care of myself now, it might just create more problems in the future, for both of us."</p><p>"Now that I think about it, the happier endings weren't borne from self sacrifice. You think we have the right amount of selfishness, dreaming about that little cottage and working towards it?</p><p>Levi nodded. "We need some selfishness inside us to dream and to push ourselves to work towards that dream. Back then, in Odiha, I wished you were even a little selfish. Maybe if you were a little more selfish, you could have come up with a better plan which didn’t involve sacrificing yourself.”</p><p>"It worked though. I bought you guys time,” Hange said, giving Levi a cheeky grin.</p><p>“But you could have at least been a little more selfish.”</p><p>“But if I’m too selfish, it might just be more detrimental in the long run right?”</p><p>"But we can meet halfway. When you’re selfish, I’ll be selfless for you. When you’re selfless, I’ll be selfish for you.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>In the succeeding weeks, it was Levi being the selfish one.</p><p>There wasn't any selflessness or self sacrifice to spare. When he could barely stand, he needed someone to help him up. When he could barely eat without choking, he needed someone to mash his food.</p><p>But Levi was right, there was selflessness in letting himself be taken care of. There was selflessness in working towards a dream they both decided as something worth attaining for each other.</p><p>Levi was released from the hospital on a chilly Saturday morning. But Hange wasn't there to pick him up.</p><p>On her Saturday off from work, she occupied herself with other things. She had a hastily scrawled to-do list made by herself and the messily scrawled instructions by Levi in her pocket and she had her day planned out, all the way until that night in the cabin.</p><p>Her first stop. Levi's old bedroom in the barracks.</p><p>That was the first time Hange had entered the room since they arrived back. The room was dusty and had a faint musty smell to it. It was only when she allowed herself a long deep breath did she realize it had been months since anyone had entered the room.</p><p>He hadn't slept there since before the raid on Marley which was ages ago in Hange’s timeline.</p><p>It was a miracle the odor was still faint enough for her to have to close her eyes to smell it. Levi was thorough with cleaning after all.</p><p>And she saw the thoroughness in the ease and the efficiency that came so naturally with cleaning it out. Levi gave clear instructions and as long as she followed that hastily and messily scrawled note word by word, she found herself properly guided. It had taken a little less than an hour to get everything packed.</p><p>Her second stop. The tea shop.</p><p>It was Levi's favorite tea shop. Since the walls had broken, since trade with Marley and all the nations progressed, it had started to sell coffee as well.</p><p>The smell in the air was a mixture of coffee and tea and most days leading up to Levi waking up, she had focused on the distinct smell of the coffee more than anything. That was what she usually bought anyway.</p><p>It was as if Levi's recovery ignited something inside her. She started to notice the way the scent of the black tea wafted in the air. A few times it mixed too well with the coffee but it was so easily perceptible, Hange could have sworn it would never leave.</p><p>"One bag of red tea? The usual."</p><p>"The usual? Do you mean the brewed coffee?" The shopkeeper asked.</p><p><em>The usual? </em>Yeah, that had been a usual when it was her and Levi frequenting that shop months ago during days off.</p><p>"No, red tea," Hange corrected.</p><p>"Yeah, Captain Levi's usual you mean?</p><p>"Yes…" Right… It was Levi who usually said such words, yet somehow, Hange had adopted it as her own.</p><p>"It has been a while since I've seen him here…" The tea shop owner continued. He looked uncomfortable, as if he were avoiding a certain question.</p><p>"He's okay. If that's what you're asking," Hange said. "He was just pretty sick for a while, couldn't keep down a lot of food. But he's at least recovered enough to get some tea every now and then."</p><p>That was a satisfying enough answer for the tea shop owner at least. He gave a nod of relief. "I wish him the best. When he's better, tell him he's welcome to come back, I'd be happy to serve him a cup on the house."</p><p>"He'd like that…" Hange muttered that part to herself, long after the owner went to the back of the store. He came back out a few minutes later, with a bag of tea leaves which was much fuller than Hange was used to and a paper bag full of short bread and pastries She had requested then for 'whatever's fresh that day'</p><p>Hange rushed out into the streets so fast, for a while she did wonder if she had thanked the tea shop owner. She quickly brushed that thought aside though, she was sure they'd be visiting together again soon.</p><p>Last stop: the cabin outside the wall rose.</p><p>On a taxi that was one hour away. In the taxi, Hange lightly tapped her foot on the car to the rhythm of that unfamiliar song on the radio to pass the time. Soon after she started, when her feet were starting to ache, she suspected it had only made the wait seem longer.</p><p>Eventually, she did arrive in the cabin to find the lights on. She heard murmurs inside and decided for herself the car ride that felt like it lasted an eternity was probably worth it.</p><p>Her hands were full, a bag from the bakery and two overnight bags full of Levi's clothes and personal articles. She only had to kick the door with her feet though to get anyone's attention.</p><p>"Hange-san, you're back." It was Connie who opened the door.</p><p>She didn't need to ask. Connie and Jean scrambled to take both overnight bags and propped it next to the door to the bedroom. It was almost difficult for Hange to resist the urge to run straight for Levi who was lying on the sofa bed.</p><p>"Hey captain Levi, the teashop owner was asking about you,' Hänge said playfully as she propped the bag of tea on the coffee table. "He gave you an extra big one."</p><p>She bent down closer to his face, to see his blue eyes soften at the view of the bag on the table.</p><p>"It's been a while since I had tea," Levi commented.</p><p>"Hey! Connie, don't open it yet!" Armins voice rang from across the room.</p><p>"Come on, let's prepare something, before Captain falls asleep again," Connie said.</p><p>Hange took her bag and went for the kitchen. Along the way, she forced herself in between Armin and Connie, an attempt to get their attention. "Slow down guys. We have all night," she said.</p><p>It turned out though Connie was right. By the time Hänge had finished preparing the tea, Levi had fallen asleep.</p><p>Her other company at least made the disappointment bearable. Bearable enough for Hange to resist the urge to wake him up, and instead carry him piggyback into the room and tuck him into bed. For some reason, going through the motions of removing his jacket and his undershirt and putting the blanket over him brought her back to that night in the woods.</p><p><em>Except we're safe now. </em>She added to herself as she noted the peaceful look on his face as he slept, a far cry from fevered look he had given then, only hours after the explosion and the ordeal of pulling him out of the river.</p><p>"He’s dead asleep. Must have been a tiring day for you guys." Hange commented, as she exited the room.</p><p>"Was it?" Connie asked in between setting the plates on the table. “We actually went straight here from the hospital.”</p><p>"Looks like he still has some recovering to do then." Jean said as he poured the tea on the cup one after the other.</p><p>“We could always organize another housewarming party when he’s all better,” Historia said.</p><p>“Or I’ll just take all of you to his favorite tea shop. I’m sure he’ll enjoy something like that.” Hange settled on the table and took one of the cups of tea for herself. “Help yourselves. I know I left you with the responsibility of dealing with all the paperwork and of escorting Levi here in one piece.</p><p>“It’s much easier than dealing with a war,” Connie said. “Besides this is nothing compared to what he was doing. He saved our lives.”</p><p>“Even until the last moment, Levi was fighting.” MIkasa said as she took a sip from her own cup of tea. Hange had to note that Mikasa had been a crucial player in the final battle according to the testimonies Hange had read.</p><p>Hearing those words from Mikasa though made her feel heavy. Hange lowered her eyes, gazing at the red liquid on the cup in front of her. <em>Was it guilt from not being there for him? </em>She quickly set it aside, focusing instead of the task at hand. “I’ll make sure he gets a good rest. Leave it to me.”</p><p>The room fell silent. It was an awkward silence. Hange found herself staring around her, making sure to stop for a split second to at least attempt to read the face of each and every one of them on the table. Before she could even get past the third face though, Armin cleared his throat and spoke up. “We were curious… Are you and Levi going to live here together? Exclusively?”</p><p>Hange nodded. “I mean, unless any of you will be joining us in the cabin?”</p><p>Historia interjected. “What Armin wanted to ask is… if you’re… together now?”</p><p>“Together? I mean we’re living together in the cabin now. And besides, I’m sure you’re used to seeing us together.”</p><p>Historia narrowed her eyes at Hange. “No Commander. I meant dating.”</p><p>“Dating?” Hange repeated. The word felt so foreign in her mouth. Somehow she imagined nice clothes, good dinners and late nights out. Living in the forest didn’t seem at all like what she had imagined yet…</p><p>“We talked about this a few times… And I guess it was a passing dream for a while but if Levi and I are dating… I don’t think we are, I mean we haven’t talked about it that way…”</p><p>“What’s your plan though Hange-san, after this?” Jean asked.</p><p>Hange shrugged. "First things first, I'll make sure Levi gets back up to speed enough to at least take care of himself. I took the next two weeks off and I’ll be entrusting Armin with commander duty for that time.”</p><p>Armin nodded. “You two deserve a good break. You can leave the rest to me.”</p><p>“And then? During the two weeks what’s your plan?” Connie asked.</p><p>“Take care of Levi.” Hange answered matter-of-factly.</p><p>Connie though was not convinced. “I know that much… but aside from that. I mean it’s just you too alone in the cabin for two weeks right?”</p><p>“Is there anything else we can be doing alone in a cabin for two weeks?”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>That night ended with little to no answers. Hange wasn’t keen on giving them either. After all, she herself was still finding the most efficient and clearest way to articulate whatever her plans were.</p><p>There were lots of sitting around, cooking, cleaning definitely. But was there supposed to be more?</p><p>Two weeks. Just the two of them. Just a bunch of household chores. And Levi would be asleep half the time.</p><p>No war to think about. No commander duties to think about. Just her and a recovering Levi.</p><p>So maybe she did have the leeway to think of something else.</p><p>
  <em>Are you and Levi going to live here together? Exclusively? </em>
</p><p>Yes, Hange had planned it to be just the both of them there in the cabin. Was it odd?</p><p>
  <em>Are you dating? </em>
</p><p>Hange couldn't answer that herself.</p><p>Dating was something done with the consent of two people. The consent of two people attracted to each other, two people in love with each other.</p><p>She had decided for herself a long time ago that she did love him. But did he love her back? A soft nagging voice echoed at the back of her mind. <em>Of course he did. </em></p><p>But she ignored that voice because there were more important things to think about. Like her attempts to articulate them. That guilt and shame that came with so audaciously assuming such emotions of Levi without consulting him.</p><p>She had done it many times before. But Hange has always known that something so complex as love could not be assumed.</p><p>Even if he did value her, what if he didn’t want to date her for some reason? The universe was wide and unfathomable and Hange having done constant research, challenging the borders of her small world and the predictability of relationships and dating, she still found reason to believe that they were still completely different things.</p><p>That maybe, even after everything, even after long nights of discussions about love and the trust that built over the ten years, maybe Levi didn’t want to date.</p><p>And ironically, she had pondered such ideas late at night while doing something as predictable and routine as standing over a pot and reheating Levi’s tea that had gone cold hours ago.</p><p>It was only a few minutes past midnight. Long before, it wouldn’t have been strange at all for Levi to be sitting on the side table at her office, listening to her rambles over black tea. The scent of the black tea wafting through the air just made those memories in particular a little more vivid. And at least motivated her enough to stand in front of the stove and reheat it, just in case he woke up that night.</p><p><em>And if he doesn’t, I’ll drink it myself</em>. Hange thought to herself as she entered the bedroom and sat on the chair. His sleeping face brought her back to a month ago when she had been drinking coffee by his bedside.</p><p>The malty taste of the black tea did its part though to mellow the overall experience of observing him while drinking the tea. At that moment, she was happier, more hopeful, definitely a stark contrast to whatever she was dealing with more than a month ago, coffee cup on hand.</p><p>She put the cup up to her lip, ready to take a sip.</p><p>“The doctors said I can have some already right?” In the darkness, Levi spoke up. Hange was surprised and almost ashamed to realize she hadn’t even picked up the exact moment, Levi had turned his head so silently to look at her.</p><p>“It might mess with your sleeping habits,” Hange said.</p><p>“My sleeping habits have always been messed up.”</p><p>Hange was grateful at least for the darkness in the room. It gave her reason not to stifle that smile that curled up her lips. She was playing with him. The doctors had allowed at the most a cup of caffeine a day.</p><p>“Here. Just get some of mine,: Hange said as she handed the cup over to him.</p><p>Without hesitation, Levi sat up on the bed, took the cup and sipped. It was a seamless chain of movements yet Hange was sure if it had been anybody else, the prospect of just sharing a drink would have been at the least awkward.</p><p><em>But it has never been the case between us right? </em>Oddly enough, that small gesture had been more than enough to pull that burning question out of Hange. “Levi… When you said you’re okay living with me here. You meant for forever right?”</p><p>Levi coughed--- or choked. Hange could only say the shadows move so abruptly so she couldn’t be too sure.</p><p>“What reason will I have to leave?” He asked, his voice still weak from that previous bout of a cough.</p><p>“I just wanted to make sure we’re on the same page. Because… what if you just meant temporarily while you’re recovering.”</p><p>“Hange, I asked you to pack all my stuff.”</p><p>That was a reassurance enough at least. Concrete actions were always the more trustworthy pieces of evidence for a scientist and researcher like Hange. So she clocked that question as answered. “Another question.” Hange started. “Since you wanna live here together with me… Do you wanna live as friends? Or do you wanna live as something more?”</p><p>“By something more you mean…”</p><p>“Best friends? Special friends?”</p><p>“Partners?”</p><p>“Historia used the word dating…” Hange admitted. She had tried to evade the word like some sort of plague but somehow, the word partners had felt too… final. <em>Not yet, not while he hasn’t said anything yet. </em>Hange told herself.</p><p>“Do you wanna date?” Levi asked.</p><p>“I mean… if you want to date, why not? I’d be happy to--- I mean we haven’t thought about this until now.”</p><p>“The word date feels weird,” Levi said.</p><p>“If you don’t wanna date here in the cabin, we can always live here as friends.” Hange suggested.</p><p>“No I meant, date feels weird because when I hear it I imagine fancy dinners and flowers… I feel like I have to impress you...”</p><p>Hange let out a subtle sigh of relief. “So if it’s not dating what is it?” she asked.</p><p>Levi shrugged. “Happily living with you in the forest. Do we need to have a name for this?”</p><p>“Fine, one last question.” Hange took a deep breath. “Do you love me?”</p><p>Levi didn’t reply.</p><p>“I just wanna make sure, we’re on the same page with this cabin in the forest plan.” Hange added, already a little flustered by that. In the darkness, she couldn’t even tell what kind of face Levi was making. She was tempted to bolt for the lights and turn them on.</p><p>Even before she could give in to the temptation though, Levi had cleared his throat. And that one sound had Hange frozen on the chair once again.</p><p>“Why do you need to ask that?”</p><p>“I mean… I just wanna make sure, before I assume anything about this ‘let’s live together’ part.”</p><p>“We’re living alone in a cabin together.”</p><p>“But siblings live in cabins together all the time.”</p><p>“We’re not siblings.”</p><p>“We’re living alone in a cabin together and I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon as long as you’re okay with it...”</p><p>“I’m more than okay with it.”</p><p>“I’m more than okay with it too.” Hange said. “ But then... why are you more than okay living with me in the cabin...For forever?” Hange asked. She only realized she had raised her voice a bit when it cracked, leaving her throat burning.</p><p>“You figured out what happened with Ragako village. You figured out how to kill the armored titan. You figured out killing Zeke can stop the rumbling… You can figure this out.”</p><p>“So, do I take this as a yes?”</p><p>“Think long and hard about it Hange.”</p><p>“If you don’t say anything, I’ll assume. I’ll make some bold theory then you’re just gonna have to roll with it. I love you and I think you wanna live in this forest with me because you love me too.”</p><p>“I have no objections.”</p><p>“Then are we dating?”</p><p>“No, we’re not.”</p><p>“Then what are we, Levi?” </p><p>Levi took a deep breath. “I’ll lay down the facts..” He enunciated every syllable as if he were talking to someone much younger, his voice much softer than before. “I love you. And you said it yourself, you love me too. And we are committed to living in this cabin together for the rest of our days. What does that make us Hange?”</p><p><em>Best friends? Special friends? Partners? </em>There were nuances to every single title. At midnight, completely exhausted by a hectic yet exciting day, Hange knew if she thought too deeply she might just overthink it. So she went back to the basics, those simple emotions that had her a little light headed and flustered as she studied whatever features in his face the moonlight outside the window allowed.</p><p>“It makes me happy...excited… hopeful.”</p><p>“What does that make <em>us</em> Hange?” Levi pressed.</p><p>“It makes us happy, excited and hopeful?”</p><p>“You don’t want the privilege of defining it yourself?”</p><p>“Why do we need a title for it? As long as the emotions are there, as long as the commitment is there... What else do we need?”</p><p>“Didn't you want the assurance? A title for this?”</p><p>Hange shook her head. “What’s important to me is we’re alright with this. And even if this cabin living becomes a forever thing… what matters for me is we’ll be alright with that forever.”</p><p>The moon chose that exact moment to shine on his face, bright enough for Hange to make out that sliver of a smile. “We’ll be alright. I know we will,” he said.</p><p>Somehow, those words seemed to echo much louder than any declaration of love.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Feedback is very much appreciated!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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